


All That You Can't Leave Behind

by madzilla



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-26
Updated: 2010-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-14 03:37:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/144910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madzilla/pseuds/madzilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Endgame. Kathryn gets a shock, while Chakotay struggles with life, love and the pursuit of perfection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That You Can't Leave Behind

With a flourish, Chakotay lifted the lid on the pot he’d just removed from the oven, before heaping a decent amount of the casserole onto each of their plates. He hadn’t made this particular dish in over twenty years, but from the smell, it had turned out well.

“I hope you like this,” he said with a smile, taking his seat opposite her.

“I am sure I will,” said Seven of Nine, lifting her fork.

They began to eat, and Chakotay smiled to himself as the flavours spread through his mouth. It was delicious, if he did say so himself, flavourful and rich.

He stole a glance at Seven. He was particularly keen for tonight to go well, as it was the first time he had ever cooked for her.

They ate in silence, but Chakotay was simply relieved to see that Seven was eating it at all. Her way with food she didn’t like was usually to taste it and then profess that she wasn’t hungry.

“I believe this dish would have been improved if you had added more red wine to the sauce,” she said suddenly. “And perhaps cooked the potatoes for slightly longer.”

Chakotay, crestfallen, looked at her.

“Sorry,” he said, taking another bite. He didn’t think the potatoes felt particularly hard, nor was the red wine sauce flavourless.

“Do not be,” said Seven. “You will know for next time.”

Chakotay nodded, and continued eating quietly. It wasn’t that he couldn’t accept criticism of his cooking - on the contrary, he was pleased to have the advice so that he might improve - but Seven had been offering him ‘advice’ on more and more aspects of his life since they had begun dating, and while he tried to be patient with her, knowing she wasn’t doing it out of spite, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that a lot of things about him seemed to fall short in her estimation.

They day before, she had suggested he not wear his favourite soft, cream shirt, as the cut was of an old-fashioned style. She had been reading up on Earth fashions in readiness for their return, and did not want him to feel out of place. He didn’t mention that he’d feel far more uncomfortable and out of place in the more fashionable, stretchy, clinging shirts which were all the rage.

While he had prepared dinner, she had suggested ways he might rearrange the furniture in the living room of his boxy, Starfleet-issue apartment, so as to facilitate movement around the space. He tried to explain that he’d placed the sofa so he could sit and look out over the bay, even though it sat right in the middle of the room and he had to squeeze between it and the wall to get to the bookcase.

She finished her meal without further comment, and helped him carry the dishes to the kitchen. A thought seemed to come to her, and she turned to him.

“Perhaps you could slice the potatoes more finely,” she said. “Then you would not need to adjust your cooking time.”

He nodded slowly. “Thank you,” he said, smiling. “I’ll give that a try next time.”

Seven nodded and took a jar out of the cupboard.

“I will make tea,” she said, fetching two cups.

“Sounds good,” said Chakotay, beginning to rinse off the dishes in the sink.

He noticed Seven eyeing him out of the corner of her eye, and wondered what ‘helpful’ information she was going to dole out next. He knew why she was doing it. She was scared, now that they were back on Earth, and so she was trying to control the situation the best way she knew how - by making everything and everyone as efficient and perfect as possible. She felt this helped her life run more smoothly, and couldn’t imagine why anyone else wouldn’t feel the same way. She had eyed his haphazard pile of books with a skeptical eye the first time she had come here, and he could almost see her itching to alphabetise them. He was organised himself, but he felt she took it a step too far. He could still remember, vividly, the annoyed looks on Kathryn and Tuvok's faces - yes, even Tuvok's - at Seven’s efficiency briefings.

Still, despite their irritation at the time, they couldn’t argue that ship-wide efficiency had improved thanks to her.

“What is it?” he said eventually, gently, and Seven placed the tea caddy back on the counter.

“Tonight’s dinner was enjoyable,” she said. “But I will admit I am - concerned.”

“Concerned?” said Chakotay, worried. Did she think he’d poisoned her?

“The calorific content of our meal was extremely high,” said Seven. “You mentioned your lunch of lasagne earlier, as well as a breakfast of oatmeal with sugar and a slice of my Aunt’s cake before we returned here.”

Chakotay was flummoxed.

“Yes…” he said, wondering what she was getting at.

“The amount of food you describe would seem to exceed the recommended daily intake for a male of your build and age.”

Chakotay stared at her.

“I believe this is due to being back on Earth and no longer having to deal with rationing,” said Seven. "I can draw up a suitable list of foods which would provide you with nutrition as well as excellent flavour and texture, and are low in calorific content. The Doctor took me through several lessons on nutrition.”

“One day of eating a little too much doesn’t mean I suddenly have to consult a nutritionist, Seven,” said Chakotay, frowning slightly. “Most humans have days where they over-indulge. As long as you get exercise, and don’t do it all the time, it’s perfectly healthy. You like cream, don’t you? With your strawberries? That hardly has much nutritional value.”

“True,” said Seven. “But you also do not complete the recommended amount of cardiovascular exercise, which is at least 30 minutes a day.”

“I think you’re being a little unfair,” said Chakotay. “I do plenty of sports. On Voyager, I played Velocity with B’Elanna and Kathryn, I used the gym, I had my boxing program -”

“All of which were only occasional pursuits,” said Seven. “Once, perhaps twice a week, which is not enough. Since we met over four years ago, I have noticed that you have gained weight. I am certain you can easily lose it again, though. I have every confidence in you.”

Chakotay, stung, turned away from her and began to hurl their cutlery into the sink.

“Thank you,” he said, his tone clipped. “I’ll take it under advisement.” He continued banging plates around until he felt her hand on his arm, and stilled.

“I did not mean to offend you,” she said quietly. “I am aware that comments on body image can hurt people. The Doctor advised me to speak kindly and with tact. I hope that is what I have done tonight.” She swallowed. “I enjoy our time together. I only wish for you to be well and healthy. I believe I can assist you in this goal as you have helped me in other ways.”

His expression softened.

“I know you’re trying to help, Seven,” he said, covering her hand with his. “But you have to understand that I’m - getting to an age now … “

He tailed off. He didn’t like to think too much about the fact he’d be fifty in less than a year - it threw the huge difference in their ages into sharp relief; Seven wouldn’t even be thirty for another couple of years.

“Let’s just say, we all reach a point where all the healthy eating and gym visits in the world won’t keep us looking the same,” he said, smiling. “It’s part of aging, Seven, and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

Seven nodded, but he could see she wasn’t entirely convinced. He nodded over at the mugs, steaming on the counter.

“Why don’t you take those through,” he said. “I’ll be in shortly.”

He placed the dishes in the refresher as she left before heading into the bathroom to wash his hands. Drying them, he looked at his reflection in the mirror, really seeing himself for the first time in a while.

He didn’t consider himself a vain man, though he took care to look smart on duty. It was undeniable that he’d gained weight since joining Voyager, but that had been the best part of a decade ago, and before that he’d been practically starving a lot of the time. Sighing slightly as he regarded his serious expression in the mirror, he squared his shoulders and went out to join her, uneasiness pricking at the back of his mind.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn Janeway tugged at the collar of her new dress uniform. She’d been momentarily shocked at the sea of white which had assaulted their eyes as they had disembarked Voyager, smart and stiff in their red and black dress tunics, but she had to admit the new dress whites en masse were an impressive sight. She wouldn’t have minded something more feminine, but for an occasion such as this, her uniform was appropriate.

After seven years, countless tribulations, joy, terror, and the formation of friendships she could never have imagined, she was about to step onto Voyager’s bridge as Captain for the last time. The change of command ceremony was due to start in ten minutes, and she paced the turbolift like a caged tiger as it sped upwards.

She had mixed feelings about the whole thing - relief, certainly, but also a great sense of sadness as this chapter of her life came to an abrupt end. Despite her happiness at being back on Earth, at seeing her family again, she was worried about the scattering of her other family, and couldn’t help but feel a swoop of sadness every time she thought of Voyager being taken away from her.

She arrived on the bridge first, which had been her intention. She didn’t want to be announced in front of everyone, wanted a few minutes by herself on he bridge before it became someone else’s.

A part of her, though, would always consider Voyager hers.

She ran a hand over the railing as she made her way to her command chair, and sank into it. The view had become more familiar to her than any other, except perhaps the viewport over her bed, and she took in the strange juxtaposition of San Francisco’s glittering lights through Voyager's viewscreen, instead of the streaking stars she’d been used to seeing for so long.

She heard the turbolift doors open, and closed her eyes briefly.

“Captain,” said a voice. “You’re early.”

“Yes, Admiral,” she said, rising to greet Admiral Hayes, who would perform the ceremony. “Just - taking a look around. Making sure Starfleet haven’t done anything too drastic before I hand her over to Captain Ison.”

“Saying goodbye?” said Hayes, smiling indulgently, and she remembered that he had once been a Captain himself. He’d commanded the Hermes for sixteen years, more than twice as long as she’d had Voyager.

Nevertheless, she doubted he’d ever experienced the wrench she was feeling now as she lost her ship.

She looked at him, but before she could speak, the doors opened again and several officers began to spill out, along with several members of the press, holovidcams at the ready. Two Ensigns, preceding them, began to point them to various spots on the bridge where they might stand, and Kathryn stepped back as the noise and hubbub spread throughout the previously quiet space.

The second lift opened and she glanced over her shoulder as its occupants entered the bridge, doing a double take when she spotted a familiar, dark head in the midst of them. As the group dispersed, Chakotay’s eyes landed on her, and he grinned, heading in her direction.

She watched, smiling, as he crossed the bridge, resplendent in his dress whites. The white fabric, trimmed with gold, suited his dark complexion, and she felt her smile widen. They’d had barely any opportunity to speak since Voyager’s return - the debriefings had partly involved organising Voyager's data banks so analysis of the data could begin, which had kept her working late, and her mother had insisted she spend as many weekends as she could at her home.

During the remaining free evenings she’d had, Chakotay had usually been spending time with Seven. Her smile faltered slightly at the thought, but was back in place by the time he reached her.

“Commander,” she said warmly. “I’m glad to see you here.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it, Captain,” he said, conscious of all the Admirals and dignitaries arriving around them. He took a step closer.

“How are you doing?” he said, his expression warm. She almost laughed. He of all people would know how difficult it would be for her to say goodbye to Voyager, to relinquish her command.

She shrugged. “Alright, so far,” she said. “Though you might get a different answer later.”

He smiled knowingly, and she couldn’t help but grin back. Glancing down, her expression became fixed as she spotted a long, white-blonde hair against the grey front panel of his uniform.

Her fingers twitched - a few months ago, she wouldn’t have hesitated to reach up and pluck it off, but now …

They hadn’t really talked about his relationship with Seven - she’d told him matter-of-factly a short time before they disembarked that she knew about it, and would Seven be staying with him in San Francisco so she, Kathryn, would know where to contact her?

Chakotay, almost sputtering, had told her he’d arranged a Starfleet apartment for Seven where her alcove could be fitted, and Kathryn had simply nodded brusquely before she had been summoned to the transporter room, preventing any discussion from taking place. They hadn’t had the opportunity since then.

With difficulty, Kathryn tore her eyes away from the hair and looked back up at his face. He looked well, and happy. Whatever he was doing with Seven, evidently it agreed with him.

“That uniform,” she said in a low voice. “You look -”

She stopped abruptly as Seven appeared at Chakotay’s side. In the mass of people milling around, Kathryn hadn’t noticed her exit the turbolift.

“Hello, Seven,” she said. “How are you finding Earth so far?”

“So far, it has been - fascinating, but not too taxing,” said Seven.

“You look lovely,” said Kathryn. Seven wore an elegant suit, her hair in its usual sleek style.

“Thank you,” said Seven. She turned to Chakotay.

“That uniform suits you,” she said, smiling shyly, before pressing a light kiss to his cheek. Chakotay’s eyes widened, and his eyes flicked over to Kathryn’s for the briefest of moments before he looked back to Seven.

“Thank you,” he said, patting her hand. He saw the reflection of the holocam flash in a wall panel and groaned inwardly. Now pictures of Seven all over him - on Voyager’s bridge, too - would be in every datafeed for the next week.

He wondered why the thought didn’t delight him as it should. Seven was undeniably stunning, and he knew he was the envy of a huge number of men - so why didn’t he feel a burst of pride at being here with her?

“Well,” said Kathryn, spotting Hayes beckoning her over. “I think we’re about to begin, so I’ll speak to you both later.” She held Chakotay’s eyes briefly before breaking the gaze and heading back to the lower level.

Chakotay heard a voice hiss “ _psst_!” behind him, and turned to see Voyager’s Senior Staff in a neat row along the back wall, smiling at him. He nodded gratefully at them, and hoped that Kathryn had spotted them arriving before the ceremony began.

Chakotay, Seven hot on his heels, moved to stand behind the centre console. It occurred to him that this was exactly how they had all been standing when Voyager had arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant, and he felt a sudden urge to cross the bridge and stand by his Captain’s side one last time.

But she stood alone, at attention opposite Admiral Hayes, as the Admiral activated a PADD. A hush fell, and Chakotay performed his last act as Voyager’s First Officer.

“Attention to orders,” he called, and all the attending Starfleet officers snapped to attention. Captain Ison stepped smoothly into place next to Kathryn, and the holocams began to flash as Admiral Hayes raised his hand and passed Kathryn the PADD.

She began to speak, her voice ringing out clear as a bell across the hushed crowd.

“To Captain Kathryn Janeway, Commanding Officer USS Voyager, stardate 56097.56,” she read. “You are hereby requested and required to relinquish command of your vessel to Captain Friedrich Ison, Commanding Officer USS Copenhagen, as of this date. Signed, Fleet Admiral Alynna Nechayev, Starfleet Command.” She deactivated the PADD.

“Computer,” she said. “Transfer all command codes to Captain Friedrich Ison. Voice authorisation Janeway pi delta five nine.”

“Transfer complete,” came the computer’s cool voice. “USS Voyager now under command of Captain Friedrich Ison.”

Ison turned to Kathryn.

“I relieve you, Sir,” he said, standing ramrod straight.

Kathryn’s gaze did not waver.

“I stand relieved,” she said.

“Dismissed,” said Captain Ison, and Kathryn turned back to Admiral Hayes, who nodded once. The assembled personnel relaxed, as Hayes shook hands with Captain Ison.

It was done.

 

* * *

 

As the invited guests began to head to the lifts, the Senior Staff all stepped forward to surround their now-former Captain. She seemed in a hurry to leave, though, and after promising them all she would attend the dinner party they had planned for the following week, she headed for the lift. Chakotay headed her off at the steps.

“You okay?” he said, looking at her. She felt uncomfortable under his gentle gaze.

“Yes, thank you,” she said. “I’m glad that’s over with. Maybe now we can all move on.” She saw a frown pass over his face briefly, but before he could speak Admiral Hayes tapped Kathryn on the shoulder.

“May I have a word?” he said quietly, and led her off to one side.

“Captain,” he said quietly. “I apologize for the timing of this, but it looked like you were leaving, and I understand you’re heading back to your mother’s for the rest of the week.”

“That’s right,” said Kathryn warily.

“I’m afraid this can’t wait,” said Hayes, his tone tinged with regret, before he withdrew a grey, slim envelope from behind his back. Kathryn’s heart leaped into her throat.

 

* * *

 

“Daddy,” came a curious little voice. “What’s that?”

Edward Janeway smirked and turned to see his six-year-old daughter peering over his shoulder at the PADDs and envelope on his desk. He patted his knee, and she climbed eagerly into his lap.

“Well, sweetie,” he said, lifting a grey envelope with a red stripe along one edge. “You know when you’re naughty, I ask you about _why_ you were naughty so I can figure out what happened, and whether your mom and I need to punish you?”

“I’m not naughty,” said Kathryn, frowning.

“I believe you,” said Edward, tugging on her braid and winking at her. Kathryn grinned.

“If someone in Starfleet is naughty,” he continued, letting her trail her small fingers over the envelope’s smooth surface, “we have to talk to them, too. Find out what happened, and why they did what they did. That’s called a court martial.”

“Court martial,” repeated Kathryn seriously. “Do they go to prison?” she asked, her eyes widening.

“Only if they’ve been very naughty,” said Edward with a smile, smoothing her hair. “Most of the time, as long as they tell the truth, we can figure it out, and they don’t have to go to prison.” He plucked the envelope out of her hands and placed it back on the desk.

“That’s the most important thing, honey,” he said, looking her in the eye. “To tell the truth. Whether you’re in Starfleet or not, always tell the truth.”

Kathryn nodded, and leaned forward to cuddle her head into his shoulder.

“I promise, Daddy,” she said, before her thumb found its way into her mouth.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn Janeway’s fingers closed around the letter Admiral Hayes presented to her, her heart hammering. Court martial. After everything that had happened, she was being court-martialled.

She knew she shouldn’t be surprised - during debriefings, several questionable items in her logs had been highlighted, and she’d always wondered exactly how and why the Admiralty were going to address them.

She raised her head and nodded at Hayes, who had the good grace to look apologetic.

“The hearing convenes in one week,” he said. “You may appoint legal representation if you wish -”

“That won’t be necessary,” said Kathryn. “Is that all, Admiral?”

Hayes nodded. “I’m sorry, Kathryn,” he said. “It isn’t criminal proceedings, it’s more of a hearing,”

“It’s fine,” said Kathryn brusquely. “I’ll see you next week, Admiral.”

She turned on her heel and headed for the lift, cursing inwardly as she saw Chakotay, Seven and her senior staff talking together on the upper level. She crossed to the lift, hoping they wouldn’t notice her in the midst of the departing crewmembers, and hurried into the lift as soon as it arrived.

Glancing back one last time as she raced through the doors, she saw Seven reach up and pull the errant blonde hair from the front of Chakotay’s jacket.

 

* * *

 

Chakotay glanced up to see Kathryn board the turbolift, obviously in a hurry, and his stomach lurched as he spotted the envelope clutched tightly in her hand.

 _No_ , he thought. _Surely they wouldn’t!_

“Admiral,” he called, making Seven jump, striding across the bridge to where Hayes was waiting to board the next lift.

“Commander,” said Hayes. “What can I do for -”

“Is Captain Janeway being court martialled?” said Chakotay, cutting him off. A straggling reporter swung round at his words, and Chakotay winced. Glaring, Hayes led him off to the side.

“I’d prefer it if you kept it quiet for now, Commander,” he hissed. “I don’t want this hearing turning into a media circus.”

“Then it’s true?” said Chakotay.

“You can hardly be surprised, Commander,” said Hayes, frowning. “In your logs, you yourself question Captain Janeway’s orders on several occasions.”

“By all means, convene a Board of Enquiry, but are full court martial proceedings really necessary?” said Chakotay angrily.

“We believe so,” said Hayes, as the lift doors swished open.

“If you’ll excuse me, Commander,” he said, and pushed past Chakotay. The others had come up behind him, and waited until the last of the reporters had left the bridge.

“Did I just hear you say _court martial?_ ” said Tom in disbelief.

“You did,” said Chakotay grimly.

“But they can’t do that,” said Harry furiously.

“They can,” said Chakotay. “We’ll just have to be prepared. No doubt they’ll want to question some or all of us.”

They all nodded, and he didn’t doubt they’d defend their former Captain.

“I’d better go find her,” he said distractedly. The news would have been a terrible blow to Kathryn, and she must have been upset if she’d run off so quickly. The others agreed, and he jogged to the lift.

“Computer,” he said once the doors had closed. “Locate Captain Janeway.”

“Captain Janeway is in crew quarters, deck three, section 5 alpha.”

Her old quarters. He called for deck 3 and paced as the lift dropped.

Soon enough, he was standing outside, and rang the buzzer. The doors swished open, and he stepped in cautiously to find the room in almost-total darkness, Kathryn standing in front of the viewport, gazing out. Although it was daylight outside, she had tinted the viewport against the glaring sun, making the outside world look grey. There was something off-kilter about seeing her staring out at the city instead of the backdrop of stars.

“I didn’t think it would end this way,” she said tightly.

“What?” he said, his heart skipping a beat. “Didn’t think what would end?”

“My command,” she said. Her head drooped slightly. “My career.”

“This isn’t going to end your career,” said Chakotay, taking a step forwards. “It’s just a formality. I’m sure you’ll be cleared."

“Maybe,” said Kathryn flatly. She went silent for a long while, and Chakotay was just about to ask if she wanted him to leave when she spoke again. Her voice was tight, wavering, strangled, and he realised with a twinge of agony that she was crying.

“Oh, Chakotay,” she said. “My father would be so ashamed of me.”

He saw her hand come up to press against her mouth, and he crossed the room in an instant to stand behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. In the dark room, she almost seemed to glow in her white uniform. He felt the shudder through her body as she fought to control her emotions; he wished she wouldn’t fight.

It had been such a long time since they’d talked properly, or shared anything, and he was suddenly sorrier than he could say for the rift. He was about to tug at her shoulders, to pull her into the friendly embrace he felt she so badly needed, when the door swished open. They both wheeled around in time to see Seven step over the threshold.

“Seven,” said Chakotay, annoyed both at her intrusion and the way Kathryn had backed rapidly away from him as she’d spotted their visitor. “Can you give us a minute?”

Seven glanced over at Kathryn.

“Are you alright, Captain?” she said, as Kathryn swiped at her eyes with a finger, her mask already falling into place.

“Fine, thank you, Seven,” she said. “Just taking one last turn around the ship. I should be heading off now, my mother’s expecting me for a late lunch.” She looked back and forth between them.

“Well,” she said, slightly awkwardly. “I’ll see you both soon.”

She made to leave, but Chakotay caught her arm.

“Kathryn,” he said, entreaty in his voice, but she gently extricated herself from his grasp.

“Don’t, Chakotay,” she said quietly. “Enjoy your leave, both of you. I’ll be in touch.”

And she was gone.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, and Chakotay still hadn’t managed to shake his nagging feelings of concern and sadness for Kathryn. He wished they’d had the opportunity to talk, even briefly, and he couldn’t help but be slightly annoyed at Seven for interrupting, even though he knew she hadn’t done it intentionally.

Had she?

He shook his head to rid it of such thoughts and turned his attention back to the omelette he was making.

He served it up shortly after, and Seven only made one brief comment about the quantity of cheese he had used before lifting her fork and beginning her meal. She ate a third of the omelette before neatly folding her napkin beside her plate.

Chakotay finished every morsel of his food before looking up at her. She regarded him intently.

“I was wondering,” she began, her voice low. “What you would think about my staying tonight.”

“Here?” blurted Chakotay.

“Yes,” said Seven, her hand creeping across the table to take his.

Emotions warred within Chakotay. He knew what she was offering. They hadn’t yet passed that particular threshold, Chakotay having wanted to take it slowly due to this being Seven’s first relationship after leaving the Borg. Admittedly, he was only human, she was stunningly beautiful and it certainly had been a while, but he wasn’t sure tonight was right. So much had happened today, and he had a horrible suspicion that Seven was testing him after seeing him with Kathryn.

He squeezed her fingers.

“I’m not sure,” he said honestly. “I think perhaps we should wait -”

“We’ve waited long enough,” said Seven, and Chakotay swallowed, remembering another woman across a table saying those words to him, how his heart had rejoiced at the words, even though the meaning had been different.

“I still don’t think -”

“You do not have to be proper on my account,” said Seven. “I believe I am ready. I know you will be - caring.”

Chakotay suddenly felt as though he were being railroaded.

“I don’t think tonight would be right, Seven,” he said. “It’s been a tough day, and I’m exhausted.”

She leaned back slightly.

“You are worried about the Captain,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

“Well, yes,” said Chakotay. “None of us expected this, including her. I can’t quite believe it. I don’t know how she’s going to take it.”

“I’m sure she will be fine,” said Seven, an edge to her voice. “She is a remarkably resilient individual. I have no doubt she will sail through her court martial proceedings.”

“She shouldn’t even be going through court martial proceedings,” said Chakotay quietly.

“You are not impartial,” said Seven. “To anyone not involved with Voyager, it was a foregone conclusion, once her logs went under scrutiny. You hold her in too high a regard to be objective.”

Chakotay frowned at her. “And you don’t?” he said.

“I hold her in high regard, certainly,” said Seven. “She is important to me. However, I am capable of objectivity in a way you are not.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Chakotay.

“Your feelings for the Captain are - complex,” said Seven. “Many of the crew mentioned to me, on several occasions since I arrived on Voyager, that they believed you to have romantic feelings for her.”

Chakotay’s expression froze.

“I accepted this, on my arrival, and even agreed with it,” said Seven. “But, as the years passed, I did not see continuing evidence of those feelings. I extrapolated from that that your feelings towards her had changed. Once I was sure - after we had returned from Quarra - it was then I decided to approach you.”

“Quarra?” said Chakotay, his mind spinning.

“You seemed unaffected by the Captain’s liaison with a man on the planet. When she fell in love -” Chakotay flinched inwardly. “You seemed indifferent. You did not go out of your way to spend more time with her, nor did you seem angry about the affair.”

Chakotay stared at her. He had been anything but indifferent at the time.

“Why are you bringing this up?” he asked, eager to change the subject. Over the years, he’d never discussed his feelings about Kathryn with anyone - at the time it wouldn’t have been appropriate, and later it became irrelevant. The sudden turn of the conversation unsettled him.

Seven arched a blond eyebrow.

“I had hoped that you were ready to further our relationship,” she said. “Although you once had feelings for Captain Janeway, I believed that had changed long enough ago that you would be ready to move on. I am beginning to think I was mistaken.”

“Wait a minute,” said Chakotay. “If you're talking about earlier, then you’re getting ahead of yourself. Kathryn’s a close friend, and she’d just had a terrible shock. You were seeing things that weren’t there.”

“Perhaps,” said Seven, sounding unconvinced. She rose.

“I believe you were right about tonight,” she said. “I should go.”

“You don’t have to leave right now,” said Chakotay. “It’s early. We can talk, if you like -”

“No,” said Seven abruptly. “I will help you clear away, and then I will head back to my apartment.”

Her tone of voice brooked no argument, and Chakotay looked down at the plates.

“Don't worry about it,” he said. “I’ll do it.”

“Very well,” said Seven. “Thank you.”

She let him see her to the door and help her on with her coat, and accepted his tentative kiss, though she didn’t really return it. As the door closed behind her, Chakotay sighed.

Once he’d cleared away the remnants of their dinner, he sagged onto the sofa, his mind whirling. Between Kathryn’s court martial and Seven’s sudden suspicions, he felt the beginnings of a headache.

He was surprised that Seven had reacted so strongly to seeing him with Kathryn earlier that day. A part of him was flattered that she was so jealous, but he was also concerned that Seven now believed he still had feelings for Kathryn, and irritated that Seven would make such an issue out of it. Kathryn was his closest friend and he intended to see her regularly - would he have to deal with Seven’s jealousy every time he did so?

He was also worried about Kathryn. She’d left abruptly and he had no idea where she’d gone - back to her mother’s, he assumed. He wanted to contact her but it would be too late in Indiana now, and she’d probably dismiss the whole thing anyway. Her distress had stabbed at his heart, a wave of protectiveness he hadn’t felt in a long time washing over him. He wished he’d had the chance to hold her, if only for a moment, to comfort her…

He stood quickly, and decided to sort his laundry as a distraction, before his thoughts headed into dangerous territory.

 

* * *

 

The next week, Chakotay arrived at Headquarters to attend Kathryn’s court martial hearing. He spotted her ahead of him, entering the building, and jogged to catch up.

“Captain,” he said in greeting as he fell in step beside her.

“Chakotay,” she said in surprise. “I didn’t think they’d summoned you today.”

“They didn’t,” he said. “I’m just here for moral support.”

She smiled fondly. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. I wanted to.” He observed her.

“You look better,” he said, and she nodded.

“I feel it,” she said. “I’m sorry about last week.”

“Don’t be,” he said. “I’m sure it was a shock.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “I went back to my mother’s and sulked for a while, before she demanded I talk about it. I’m ready for it, now.” She lifted her head defiantly, and Chakotay couldn’t help but grin.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he said, as they stopped outside the hearing room.

“Is Seven with you?” said Kathryn, looking around.

Chakotay shifted awkwardly. He and Seven had only spoken once, briefly, since she had left his apartment so quickly the previous week. He’d hoped that, despite the tension between the two of them, Seven might have come along to show Kathryn some support.

“She’s - busy with something,” he said. “I’m sure she’d be here if she could.”

Kathryn nodded as the doors opened.

“Well,” she said. “Here goes nothing.”

Chakotay rested his hand on her shoulder briefly, giving it a friendly squeeze.

“Give ‘em hell,” he said, and she grinned, before striding into the conference room. Chakotay watched as the door closed behind her before sitting down in one of the hard chairs outside the room, and withdrawing a novel PADD he’d brought. It was going to be a long afternoon.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, and Chakotay was pacing in the small corridor. He hadn’t been able to concentrate on the novel at all, and had already been for two cups of tea and a snack, which he had hardly tasted as he forced it down.

Eventually, just as he was starting to reach the limits of his patience, the door opened and three Admirals exited, talking closely together. Kathryn followed a moment later, and smiled tiredly as she spotted him.

“Well?” he said immediately, relieved at the sight of her smile.

“I’ve been declared unfit for command,” she said.

“What?” said Chakotay incredulously, but Kathryn held up a hand.

“It’s only temporary,” she said. “I’m to undergo mandatory counselling,” she made a face, “and there’ll be a further review in ninety days. In the meantime, I’ll be working with Fleet operations processing the data we brought back from the Delta Quadrant.” She smirked. “Well, beginning to process it. I imagine there’s enough there to keep a lot of people going for years.”

“And after the ninety days?” said Chakotay.

“Well,” said Kathryn, her smile widening. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but they’re fairly confident that as long as I attend my counselling sessions, I should be ready to resume my duties. I won’t say it’s in the bag, but …” She shrugged.

“And will you?”

“Will I what?”

“Go to counselling?”

“I suppose I shall have to,” said Kathryn resignedly. “I know, I know,” she said at his look. “I probably need it.”

Chakotay raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, I definitely need it,” she said. “Though I can’t imagine how anyone who wasn’t out there with us could truly understand. But yes, I’ll go. I start on Friday.”

Chakotay smiled, and pulled her to him in a brief hug. He realised that in all their years of friendship, they had never really hugged, and he felt Kathryn tense up briefly.

“I’m relieved,” he said, as he felt her relax, her arms closing around his waist. “And happy for you.”

“Thank you,” said Kathryn, giving him a squeeze. “I’m pretty relieved myself!”

Their embrace continued, beyond the point where he would normally have broken away, until Chakotay felt Kathryn pull suddenly out of his arms. Bereft, he suddenly felt a presence behind him, and knew who it was before he even turned around.

Reluctantly, he turned to meet the cool blue gaze of Seven of Nine.

“Captain,” said Seven to Kathryn. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I was delayed. I trust your hearing went well?”

Kathryn stepped around Chakotay, frowning slightly. Seven was probably the most punctual person she had ever met, and she had not mentioned a prior appointment. She also did not seem particularly pleased to see Chakotay, and vice versa. She hadn’t seen them together since the change of command ceremony, and this change in behavior was startling.

“That’s alright, Seven,” she said. “It went well. There’s another in three months, so we’ll see how it goes.”

“I am pleased,” said Seven.

The three lapsed into a slightly awkward silence.

“We had agreed to have lunch together today,” Seven said to Chakotay after a while, sounding reluctant.

Chakotay cursed inwardly. He had completely forgotten they’d agreed on lunch today, and he’d been hoping to grab a bite with Kathryn and catch up properly.

“I have to head off myself,” said Kathryn, before he had a chance to ask Seven for a rain check. “I’m moving into Starfleet accommodation myself after the weekend, so no doubt I’ll see you around.” She smiled tightly at them both before turning on her heel and leaving.

Chakotay turned to Seven, who was watching Kathryn leave, and felt a stab of guilt. He had been preoccupied the past few weeks, and he hadn’t taken the time to really discuss things with her. He took her hand.

“Still fancy that lunch?” he said, forcing himself not to turn around and watch Kathryn disappear down the long hallway.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn's first counselling session had been exhausting, mentally and emotionally, and she had just changed into comfortable, soft clothes and poured herself a glass of wine when her door chime sounded.

Sighing, she briefly considered ignoring it, until the chime sounded again, more insistently. Padding to the door, she activated the small viewscreen and saw, to her great surprise, Seven standing outside her apartment.

“Seven?” she said opening the door. “This is a surprise. What brings you here?”

“Captain,” said Seven. “I would like to talk to you.”

Kathryn beckoned her indoors.

“Would you like some wine?” she said, gesturing Seven to the couch.

“No, thank you, Captain.”

“Seven,” said Kathryn, taking a seat opposite her. “You are no longer a member of my crew. I think it would be more appropriate if you called me Kathryn now.”

“I will try,” said Seven, practically squirming.

“So,” said Kathryn, leaning back into the sofa cushions. “Chakotay’s not with you?”

“No,” said Seven. “It is him I wish to discuss.”

Kathryn considered her next words carefully.

“I’ve always tried to help you in any way I can, Seven,” she said eventually. “I care a great deal for you, and for Chakotay. But - I don’t think I’m the best person to come to for relationship advice, not in this particular instance. You are both my friends, and I don’t want you to put me into a situation where I have to choose sides.”

“I don’t intend to,” said Seven. “I actually wish to apologise.”

“Apologise?” said Kathryn, taking a sip of wine. “Whatever for?”

“Evidently you know about my relationship with Chakotay.” Kathryn nodded. “I apologise for not telling you myself. At the time, I told myself that I wished to keep it private, so that we might explore our feelings before making any kind of announcement. I was also concerned how you would react after my - behaviour on the holodeck. However, I was also worried that - “ She tailed off, and Kathryn leaned forward slightly.

“What is it, Seven?” she said.

“I am aware that you once had feelings for Chakotay,” said Seven, and Kathryn’s expression turned to one of shock.

“What makes you say that?” she said.

“The Doctor told me to observe relationships between crewmembers to gain a greater understanding of human interactions. I spent some time studying Lieutenants Paris and Torres, but I also made many observations of yourself and Chakotay.”

“You watched us?” said Kathryn, frowning slightly.

“You were my archetype of humanity,” said Seven. “It seemed logical to observe the relationships you had formed, the nature of them, the way you comported yourself with those you were close to.” She swallowed.

“There was also Unimatrix Zero,” she said.

“What about it?” said Kathryn.

“We were briefly linked during the mind meld that allowed us to enter Unimatrix Zero together. For that brief period, I was able to sense many of your thoughts and feelings as no doubt you were able to sense mine.”

“I suppose I could,” said Kathryn. “I remember you had feelings I expected you to have - fear, determination, worry for Axum and the others. I was concentrating on entering the Unimatrix, and didn’t think to delve into your emotions at that moment.”

“Neither did I with yours,” said Seven. “Nevertheless, I caught glimpses and hints of feelings that you carry with you always, whether they were at the forefront of your mind or not. I sensed your attachment to the Commander and was intrigued by it. You have mentioned to me on several occasions that there is no one you trust more then he. I felt that if he was worthy of such high regard - and affection - from you, then he must be … special.”

Kathryn was gobsmacked.

“He is,” she said, her voice almost a whisper. Shaking herself, she put her wine glass down on the table.

“That was quite a long time ago, Seven,” she said. “And a lot has happened since then.”

“I have been concerned that I may have injured your feelings by dating Chakotay,” she said. “Which is another reason I did not tell you of my intentions.” She shifted slightly, and Kathryn could see she was uncomfortable.

“I believed that if you still had feelings for him, telling you of my plans before I had spoken to him might result in you approaching him yourself. I was not confident that, were he asked to choose between us, I would be successful. I realise now this would have been the more honest approach, rather than telling you about it as a fait accompli.”

Kathryn was speechless for a long moment.

“I think you could have been confident, Seven,” she said quietly. “My feelings aside, it was clear that Chakotay no longer had those kind of feelings for me, and most likely hadn’t for a very long time. If he ever did at all. We never really talked about it, you see. But if he did, it was a long time ago - before you came on board, even - and I believe he put that behind him years ago. You’re beautiful, intelligent and confident - I don’t doubt he would still have chosen to be with you.”

“I did not wish to hurt you,” said Seven, and Kathryn smiled sympathetically.

“I love you both,” she said. “If you’re happy, then I’m happy.”

Seven looked at her, taking in her soft smile, and didn’t doubt that she meant it, whatever her own feelings might be.

“I am not sure that we are,” she said, her voice a near-whisper. “I believe he is questioning his decision to begin a relationship with me.”

“Well, it did all happen rather suddenly, and then there was our homecoming,” said Kathryn. “Perhaps you need to take some time, take things slower. Your world has been turned upside-down. You both need to find out who you are here. You’re only used to relating to each other on Voyager, and now you have to learn a whole new set of rules.”

 _As do you and Chakotay_ , thought Seven.

“Perhaps,” she said to Kathryn. “Our social activities have become less frequent, and I find he often has to change our plans at the last minute.”

“Well, he’s probably busy,” said Kathryn, determinedly ignoring the tiny spark of hope at Seven’s words; her friends were suffering, she had no business thinking of her own interest. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“No,” said Seven. “I keep attempting to, but he changes the subject.”

Kathryn sighed.

“He’s probably afraid,” she said. “That you don’t want to be with him any more. He’s scared he’ll lose you, and that’s why he’s acting the way he is.”

She turned to look squarely at Seven.

“ _Do_ you want to be with him?” she asked. Seven was a long time in replying, and her answer, when it came, surprised Kathryn.

“I am not sure,” admitted Seven. “When were on Voyager, it seemed clearer. Now that we are here, everything has changed. There are possibilities - for both of us - that did not exist before, and I think we are both realising that.” She turned to look out of the window.

“I am not sure if I am staying with him because I care for him, or because I am afraid of what I will do without him,” she said eventually. Kathryn rested a hand on her shoulder.

“You don’t have to worry about feeling alone, Seven,” she said. “Even if you and Chakotay decide to end your relationship, you’ll still be friends. I know Chakotay, and if he cares enough about you to start a relationship with you, then he will always care about you. And so will I. The Doctor has always been a good friend to you, and there’s Harry, and Tom and B’Elanna, and Tuvok - not to mention your Aunt and your blood relatives. You have friends and family here, Seven, don’t forget that.” She hesitated.

“You shouldn’t stay with Chakotay out of fear,” she said eventually. “You’re both worth more than that, and it’s unfair to him. And to you. The two of you will have to decide what happens next, but - don’t lead him on,” she said, patting Seven’s arm when the latter was about to protest. “I know, you haven’t - but if you let the relationship continue when you have no intention of staying with him, he’ll be very hurt.”

Seven nodded. “I must make a decision,” she said decisively.

“Yes,” said Kathryn, jumping as Seven rose suddenly.

“I should go,” said Seven, and Kathryn couldn’t help but smile at Seven’s determination. Once she had set her sights on something, she didn’t stop until she had it. Once she had decided she had feelings for Chakotay, she had simply gone to him and told him.

“You don’t have to rush off right now,” said Kathryn, but Seven was already putting on her coat.

“Alright,” Kathryn continued, feeling slightly as though she were talking to herself. "Keep in touch?” she said, following Seven to the door.

“Of course,” said Seven. She paused. “My aunt has invited me to spend some time living with her. She feels it would be beneficial to meet family members and spend time away from press attention here in San Francisco. As Starfleet seem unsure where to assign me, I may take her up on the offer. I have not so far as I did not wish to be away from Chakotay, or the rest of the Voyager crew.”

“That’s understandable,” said Kathryn. “But you’re thinking about it now?”

“The idea has become more appealing,” said Seven grudgingly. “I will consider it. Thank you for your advice, Capt - Kathryn.”

Kathryn smiled.

“You’re welcome, Seven,” she said. “See you soon.”

Seven strode off down the hallway and Kathryn returned to the sofa, her mind spinning. Seven had never shown the slightest indication that she was aware of her having had feelings for Chakotay. All those years, and Seven had been surreptitiously studying them, and she’d come to the conclusion that both of them, if indeed they had ever had feelings for each other, had long since put those feelings aside.

She hadn’t understood that just because they didn’t express them, didn’t mean they weren’t there.

Kathryn sighed, no longer in the mood to drink her wine. She hoped that Seven wouldn’t mention her conclusions about their relationship to Chakotay; their friendship was strained enough as it was without that adding to it.

She couldn’t help but think back to their embrace after her hearing, and wondered if Seven’s doubts were due to witnessing that. After finding she and Chakotay alone in her old quarters on Voyager, and knowing what she did from the mind meld which enabled her to enter Unimatrix Zero, it was no wonder Seven was feeling insecure.

Perhaps she should give them some space, she mused. Her counseling period had only just begun, and between that and her work processing Voyager’s data she was going to be very busy over the next few months. It would be easy to find ways not to see either of them - not that she’d seen very much of them anyway. She would make herself available to Seven if the young woman needed her counsel - as always - but otherwise would stay out of their way.

Resolved, she dumped the wine in the recycler and decided to head to bed.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn’s counselling sessions continued, and while at first she loathed tearing apart her decisions and feelings and examining them with a fine toothcomb, she had to admit after a while she felt her mind become clearer on several topics.

Aside from counselling, she visited her mother and reconnected with several old friends she’d never expected to see again, and worked hard on the immense task of cataloguing, sorting and analysing Voyager’s data, along with a large team which included several members of her former crew.

Her life on Earth was beginning anew, but despite it all Kathryn couldn’t help but feel lonely. On Voyager, she had accepted her isolation as part of her job to get the crew home - but now that was accomplished, she was left wondering what happened next. Part of her had expected to be on Voyager for the rest of her life, and the suddenness of their arrival home had been a shock to the system, for all of them. Before Voyager, her life on Earth had always been one filled with companionship, even if her work had often separated her from her loved ones. Now, while she enjoyed seeing family and friends when she could, she came home to her empty apartment, made a basic meal for herself before going to her bed alone.

The Voyager senior staff dinner she'd been invited to was cancelled, to her sadness, everyone having been off-world or busy with family and assignments. Her counselor had suggested she try socialising more with people outside of her circle of family and old friends, and she had finally agreed to go on a date with an officer working on the Voyager data project, Captain Geoff Morrissey. She had noticed his interest in her almost from the beginning, but as she hadn’t been interested, had ignored it. Now, having spent too many evenings sitting at home by herself, she had caved and let him take her to dinner at a seafront restaurant.

The food was good, but that was the best that could be said about the evening. Morrissey was pleasant enough company, but there was no spark whatsoever between them, and Kathryn realised that he was a little too fond of the sound of his own voice.

He had walked her home, and she had hurriedly keyed her way into her apartment, muttering something about an early start the next day as he had attempted to steal a kiss.

She managed to avoid speaking to him for several days as he was working with the warp propulsion data while she worked with Captain Shelby on the Borg technology still integrated with Voyager’s systems. Finally, he’d cornered her in the mess, and she’d had to break it to him that while she had enjoyed their evening, she didn’t think they should see each other socially any more.

He’d taken it graciously enough, but there had been a residual awkwardness ever since, and Kathryn was once again reminded of the many potential difficulties of dating a colleague.

She wished she had a friend to talk it over with. Her sister lived on Mars, and due to the time zone differences it was very difficult for them to find a suitable time for a conversation, especially as Phoebe had two young children. She hadn’t seen her old Academy friends for such a long time that suddenly inviting them out for coffee and spilling all the secrets of her personal life would have been inappropriate. Before Voyager, her closest friend had been Mark, but seven years had changed her and she wasn’t sure he knew the person she now was very well. Her mother was always happy to lend advice, and Kathryn had often confided in her about problems with her love life in the past - but that had been a long time ago, and, like Mark, her mother seemed to be having trouble recognising the differences in her daughter since her return from the Delta Quadrant.

On Voyager, she had met probably the closest friend she’d ever had in Chakotay, but felt she couldn’t really talk to him about it while he was working to patch up his relationship with Seven. She’d received a few messages from him over the last few weeks, asking how she was doing, and whether she wanted to meet up for coffee or a meal. She’d filled him in on the basic details of her life - her job, her family, the hovercar she was thinking of buying - but had politely declined his offers to meet up.

Each refusal had left her with a heavy heart. She missed him terribly, and would have loved to spend some time with him now they no longer had responsibility for Voyager hanging over their heads. She wasn’t above admitting that her pride would make it very difficult, perhaps impossible, for her to admit to him how lonely she felt. The last thing she wanted was his pity.

Her counselling sessions would soon be ending, and while she was still feeling rather isolated in her personal life, the Voyager data project was coming along splendidly. Her second hearing, marking the end of the ninety-day suspension, was coming in only a few weeks, and she hoped that she might be considered for command once that was over.

 

* * *

 

With only a few days to go until the hearing, Kathryn was in an upbeat mood as she tidied away the dishes from her evening meal. She was just closing the cupboard when she heard the beeping of her comm unit.

Wiping her hands, she crossed the room and looked at the incoming request. Chakotay.

So far, he’d only sent recorded messages, or called while she’d been out, and she stared at his name for several moments before steeling herself and hitting answer.

He looked tired, and serious for a moment until he saw her, his face splitting into a wide smile.

“Hi,” he said. “I thought this would be a good time to catch you at home. You weren’t eating, were you?” he said, looking at the cloth in her hands.

“No,” she said, setting it aside. “I’d just finished, actually. What can I do for you?”

“I just called to talk, really,” said Chakotay, and Kathryn noticed an unease about him. “Do you have the time?”

“Of course,” she said, surprised. It had been a long time since they’d really talked properly, and more recently they’d barely talked at all. Even at their closest, Chakotay hadn’t often come to her with his personal problems. She hesitated.

“Do you want to come over?”

Relief suffused his expression, and his smile widened. “I’d like that,” he said. “Give me fifteen minutes?”

“Sure,” she said, and he signed off.

She dashed around, tidying her living area, and before she knew it there was a knock on the door.

As she answered it, a beaming Chakotay presented her with a bottle of wine.

“What’s this for?” she said as he followed her into the living room.

“I thought we might need it,” he said.

“Oh dear,” she said, collecting some glasses. “That bad, is it?”

“Pretty much,” he said, and she stopped her dashing around the room to look at him properly. He’d taken a seat on her couch, and was sitting, hands clenched in front of him, looking dejected.

“Chakotay,” she said, her voice soft. “What’s wrong?”

“Where do I start?” he said bitterly. Kathryn opened the wine as he spoke.

“Since we got home, things have been getting worse and worse. We were all relieved that Starfleet decided not to prosecute the Maquis, but I’ve had a hell of a time trying to find decent work.”

“What?” said Kathryn, shocked. “That can’t be right. I can think of a dozen positions in Starfleet off the top of my head that would fit you perfectly. I’m surprised they’re not fighting over you.”

“That’s not how Starfleet see it,” he said. “I applied to the Academy for a teaching post, and was turned down. They couldn’t really give me a good reason why, and I know they’ve had a hard time filling the Anthropology position.” He took a sip of wine. “I’m well aware of Professor Grafton’s past with the Maquis, but I wasn’t even involved. If I had have been it would never have happened.”

Kathryn winced; Chakotay was referring to an incident on Londrus Prime where a small civilian ship had been caught in the crossfire between a Cardassian vessel and a Maquis raider. Three passengers had been killed, among them Grafton’s brother.

“I tried to go back to Tactics, but didn’t have any luck there, either,” continued Chakotay. “At the moment I’m in limbo. I even applied for a few deep space postings, mostly at Tactical, but haven’t heard anything.” He sighed. “I’ve been working on putting a book together about the Voth, though I’m not sure it’ll ever see the light of day.”

“I’m sure it will,” said Kathryn. “Just give yourself time.” She twirled the wine around her glass. “Have you applied for any jobs outside of Starfleet?”

“No, but I probably should,” said Chakotay. “I just don’t know where to start. At least in the Maquis, and then on Voyager, I was a part of something, and felt I could really make a difference. But now …”

He tailed off, and Kathryn watched him sadly. She’d had no idea Chakotay was feeling so lost, and his own thoughts seemed to eerily echo her own.

“And then there’s Seven,” he said.

Kathryn nodded. “I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to take a deep space posting,” she said. _And neither would I._

“I doubt she’d mind at all, actually,” said Chakotay. “We’re not - involved any more.”

“Oh, Chakotay,” said Kathryn sadly. “What happened?”

“Well, it’s been on the cards for a while,” said Chakotay. “We’ve been drifting apart ever since Voyager got home.”

Kathryn wondered if he was talking about himself and Seven, or them.

“She started avoiding me,” continued Chakotay, and Kathryn felt a stab of guilt. “I could tell something was wrong, and I finally managed to get her to talk about it. Before your hearing, she accused me of having unresolved feelings for you. “ He paused, gazing into his wine. “And more recently, she said she’s been examining why she chose to approach me in the first place, and she doesn’t think her reasons were the right ones, nor the reasons she stayed with me as long as she did.”

“What do you think about that?” said Kathryn, feeling like her counselor for a moment.

“I told her it didn’t matter what the reason had been initially - all that mattered was that something had grown from it.” His face darkened. “Then she told me about the holodeck.”

“Oh,” said Kathryn, shocked, and Chakotay’s head jerked up.

“You knew about it?” he said incredulously. “And you didn’t think I should know?”

“Yes, I knew,” said Kathryn. “And no, I didn’t think you should know. The guidelines about using a crewmember’s image hadn’t been made clear to Seven, and that was my fault. I saw no reason to embarrass you and humiliate her any further.”

Chakotay stood, tension radiating from him.

“I wonder where she learned that?” he spat. “That the holodeck is a perfectly _acceptable_ place for a human being to look for companionship, and love?”

“Now, just a minute,” snapped Kathryn, stung. “That has nothing to do with this. If you just came round to insult me, I suggest we wrap this up right now.”

She picked up her wine glass and strode into the kitchen, tipping the contents into the sink roughly. A few drops spattered over her sweater, and she swiped at them angrily.

“I’m sorry,” said Chakotay’s voice from the doorway. “I shouldn’t have brought that up. I guess I’m not very good company tonight.”

“Then why did you come round?” she said, her back still turned to him.

“I missed you,” he said, subdued. “I was - feeling lonely, I guess. Seven’s been gone a while, B’Elanna has her hands full with Miral and getting to know her new in-laws …” He stepped into the kitchen. “And aside from all of that, I wanted to talk to _you_.” She turned to face him.

“I know what you mean,” she said quietly. “I’m working with an excellent team on the Voyager project, I’m seeing a lot of my mother and some old friends, some of whom I’ve known since I was a girl. I even went on my first date in nearly eight years.” She noticed a flicker of shock - and was that hurt? - pass across his expression before she continued.

“And yet, I’ve never felt so isolated, not even on Voyager. That was just the way things had to be in the Delta Quadrant. I had a purpose, a mission. I was surrounded by people I trusted with my life, who became family. And now we’re back - what do I have now?”

Chakotay moved to her side.

“Why haven’t you told me about any of this before?” he said quietly.

“I could ask you the same question,” she said, but at his expression she relented.

“I wanted to give you and Seven some space,” she admitted. “I know how it is in a new relationship. You want time together, want to be left alone. We got home so suddenly, I just thought the two of you would need the time to figure everything out.”

“Did it occur to you that I would miss you?” said Chakotay, frowning.

Kathryn sighed.

“Honestly?” she said. “No. Be honest, Chakotay. It had been a while since we’d been really close.” She looked away. “After Quarra we didn’t spend much time together, did we?”

“I didn’t think you’d want me bothering you. Over the years you’ve made it clear you prefer to work through your problems by yourself, and I thought you’d want some time to mourn. And then -”

“And then Seven,” Kathryn finished for him. “You’re right that I find it difficult to ask for help, or to accept it. But damn it, Chakotay, that time was - “ She stopped abruptly, clamping her hand over her mouth. Her voice had tightened, and she could feel tears threatening. Damn! This was why she had never discussed it with him, tried not to think about it too often. She didn’t realise how badly the experience still affected her.

Chakotay was stricken by her distress.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t realise you missed him so much.”

“What?” she said, turning round. “Oh, I don’t, not any more. I didn't then, either, really. It was just -” she stepped away from the sink, and lifted the kettle, needing a moment.

“Tea?” she said, and he nodded. Kathryn flicked the button and moments later poured the steaming water into two mugs. Having composed herself, she continued.

“That whole experience reminded me exactly what it was like to be in a proper relationship,” she said. “The companionship, the closeness. It was hard to let go of that the first time, very hard. Having to do it again …” She opened the cupboard and drew out a small bag, before dropping something into the two cups. Lifting them, she indicated towards the living room.

Once they were seated back on the sofa, She placed the cups in front of them, and Chakotay looked at his with interest. At the bottom of the cup sat a small, brown ball.

“Leave it for a minute,” said Kathryn, indicating the tea. She considered her next words.

“That whole experience left me feeling more lonely, I’ll admit, but so did you,” she said. “I appreciate you might not have wanted to discuss Quarra - it was very personal - but I hardly even saw you when we were off-duty. I know later on you had started to see Seven, but before that? Was it me, something I did or said?”

She had been dying to ask him this since their return, but hadn’t expected to ever get the chance. Now the question was out, and she waited with baited breath for his answer.

“It wasn’t you,” said Chakotay. “I mean, it wasn’t your fault. Not directly, anyway.”

“What does that mean?”

He considered his answer, glancing at the glass mugs she had placed in front of them. To his surprise, the brown balls had begun to unfurl in the hot water, green petals expanding away from the central mass.

“Bajoran flower tea,” said Kathryn, following his gaze. They lapsed back into silence until he answered.

“Do you remember when Voyager got hit by that electrical discharge? I had B’Elanna burn out the main deflector?”

“Oh, yes,” said Kathryn. “Your little temporal anomaly.”

“It wasn’t so little,” said Chakotay. “Considering everything that’s happened since, it almost seems foolish to have adhered so strongly to the Temporal Prime Directive."

“And yet we both know it was necessary,” said Kathryn. “Shame, really,” she said with a smirk. “I’d have loved to know what you got up to.”

“Well, I can tell you that I saw you,” he said. At her surprised look, he continued.

“Why not? It was Voyager’s past and future, after all. I saw everyone.”

“Did you see me in the future?” she said intently.

“No,” he said. “In the past.”

“The past?”

“Before Voyager had even left for the Badlands. You didn’t know me.”

“What did I do?” said Kathryn, stricken. Had her past self, who couldn’t have known who Chakotay was or what he’d come to mean to her, done something so terrible to him that it had alienated him from present-day her? She couldn’t imagine Chakotay holding such a grudge, but then again …

“It wasn't so much what you _did_ ,” he said. “It was just fascinating going back that far. It made me think back to the beginning of our journey. What you were like then. What we were like then.” He sighed. “It was just - difficult, I guess. A reminder of the way things used to be. I found it hard to spend a lot of social time with you after that. I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

“I wish you had,” said Kathryn.

Chakotay looked back at his teacup. The ball had now unfurled into a flower, one tendril drifting gently in the water. He looked at the tiny pink petals.

“So,” said Kathryn, breaking the silence. “When did Seven leave?”

“Oh,” said Chakotay. “A few weeks back.”

“And was it a mutual decision?”

“Not really,” said Chakotay. “Well, in a way. I suppose I knew it wasn’t going to work out, but I was afraid of ending it, because then I’d be on my own.”

“That’s what she said,” said Kathryn.

“She talked to you about me?” said Chakotay in surprise.

“Yes,” said Kathryn. “She turned up here one night, asking for advice. I told her I wasn’t really comfortable discussing it because you’re both my friends, but she forged ahead anyway.” Chakotay snorted.

“Sounds about right,” he said. “So did you advise her to break up with me?”

“No!” said Kathryn forcefully. “God, you must really think I’m a bitter old woman if you think I’d try to break you up like that. I told her to talk to you and think about it long and hard before she came to a decision. I would have supported her - both of you - whatever the outcome. From what she was saying, it sounded like she was considering ending things, but as I didn’t hear from either of you I assumed you’d worked it out.”

“I don’t think that, I’m sorry,” said Chakotay. He paused. “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What did you think when you first heard Seven and I were seeing each other?”

Kathryn looked at him for a long moment.

“Honestly?” she said. “I was shocked. I was aware that Seven had a crush on you after her holodeck program, but I never dreamed that she would transfer that to the real you. Or that you would reciprocate.” She took a sip of her tea, the flower tickling her lip. “I knew the two of you had found some common ground in the later stages of our journey, and I was pleased, because out of everyone - except maybe B’Elanna - you were always the most resistant to having Seven on board.” She paused, shifting slightly in her seat.

“I suppose I was worried, as well,” she said. “I was closer to the two of you than anyone else on Voyager. If you got married, then of course you’d be spending all your time together, and -” she shrugged, and looked at Chakotay, whose eyes were wide.

“Wait a minute - married? Weren’t you jumping the gun a little?”

“I was only going on what the Admiral told me.”

“We - they - were married in her timeline?”

“Apparently so.”

Chakotay sagged against the back of the sofa.

“Wow,” he said.

“So you can see why I didn’t think I had any business commenting on your relationship, and why I thought the two of you needed the space to sort everything out.”

“I can’t imagine that happening,” said Chakotay. “But then, I can’t imagine having been aboard Voyager for another twelve years.”

“Neither can I,” said Kathryn. She placed her mug back on the table, and leaned back alongside him.

“I’m glad you came over,” she said. “As hard as it is to talk about these things, we should have had this conversation a long time ago.”

Chakotay took her hand between both of his own.

“We should have,” he agreed.

“So, aside from being unemployed and recently dumped - how are you?” said Kathryn. Chakotay stared at her for a moment before breaking into a laugh.

“Not bad,” he said, chuckling. “You?”

“Not bad at all,” she said, grinning back.

They sat, hands entwined, sipping at their tea until Kathryn noticed the time.

“Oh, I have my final counselling session tomorrow morning,” she said with a jolt. "It's very late."

“How has that been going?” said Chakotay gently.

“Actually, very well,” said Kathryn. “I don’t think I’d have told you about half of the things I’ve mentioned tonight if it hadn’t been for those sessions.”

“Then I’m glad you went,” said Chakotay. “Kathryn,” he said, sobering. “Can we both make a promise?”

“What promise?”

“Promise that we won’t drift apart, like we did after we got home,” he said. “I guess it took being off Voyager to make me realise how much I miss you when I don’t see you regularly. On Voyager, even when our social time got reduced, I still saw you every day. I’ve missed that a lot.”

Kathryn squeezed his hand. “I promise,” she said. “You know - I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.”

“I’m glad,” said Chakotay, standing. “I do too.”

“I remember telling you a long time ago that we lost our way when we turned away from each other,” said Kathryn, walking with him to the door. “I guess we forgot that somewhere along the way.”

“I never forgot, Kathryn,” said Chakotay, pulling his jacket on.

“I know,” she said. “And I’m sorry-”

“Don’t start that,” he said, cutting her off. “Let’s just agree to forgive each other and move on from here.”

She beamed. “I’d like that.”

He looked at her smiling face, and unable to resist, reached forward to pull her into a hug, as he’d longed to do since the day of her first hearing.

Once he’d released her, he looked down at her fondly.

“We talked so much about Seven, I forgot to ask you about your love life,” he said, smiling. “You mentioned your date. I hope it’s going well.”

“Oh, God, no,” said Kathryn. “Terrible. Oh, he was nice enough, but it wasn’t going anywhere. We went for dinner once, that was about it.”

“Oh,” said Chakotay, his eyebrows rising. “Sorry.”

“Don't be,” said Kathryn. “I’m not.”

Chakotay opened his mouth as though to say something, before apparently changing his mind.

“Well,” he said. “I should let you get to bed.”

“Alright,” said Kathryn, feeling slightly disappointed, though she wasn’t sure why. “I’ll see you soon. We still have a lot to talk about.”

“Agreed,” said Chakotay, squeezing her shoulder. “Bye.”

She closed the door and leaned against it, her forehead resting against the cool surface. The night had brought many unexpected surprises, and she mulled over their long conversation as she cleared their glasses and cups away. His split with Seven hadn’t come as much of a surprise after Seven’s visit, but he’d seemed shocked that she was single. She wondered if their conversation would have been any different if he’d known that earlier…

As she changed for bed, she smiled at the rekindling of their friendship. It had sustained her through the Delta Quadrant, and its loss had pained her. She vowed not to let things get so bad again. She had promised him, after all. And their conversation, their connection, had done almost as much good as months of counselling sessions.

Slipping into bed, she stretched out, and her last thoughts before sleep were that the bed felt emptier than usual.

 

* * *

 

Several days later, the morning of Kathryn’s final hearing came round. She rose early and donned her dress uniform, anticipation running through her veins. She wasn’t nervous - she had attended all of her counselling sessions, done well in her psych evaluation, and the Voyager project would be completed long ahead of schedule thanks to her efforts. She walked to Headquarters with her head held high, feeling as though this represented the final hurdle.

She arrived, and was shown straight into the meeting room, where she settled and forced herself not to fidget as the Board members made their way to their seats.

A movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention, and she turned to see a very welcome sight - her former senior staff from Voyager crammed together in the small area at the back reserved for observers. The clerk kept eyeing them disapprovingly; it was very unusual for so many people to sit in on court-martial proceedings. They all smiled and waved, and she looked at each of them in turn. Harry, looking relaxed and rested after months of his mother’s pampering, Tom and B’Elanna, looking rather tired, Tuvok, who inclined his head as though to assure her of his health, and - to her surprise - Seven, who smiled slightly as Kathryn’s gaze settled on her. Even the Doctor had come, having badgered Starfleet Medical into letting him use his mobile emitter for the day.

She caught Chakotay’s eye and received a brilliant smile, which she returned.

The clerk called for quiet and the Board looked up from their PADDs, and the session began. Having reviewed all of the data prior to the session beginning, it did not take long.

As the clerk asked Kathryn to rise for the verdict, Chakotay felt his heart start to hammer in his chest. He had mixed feelings about the verdict - of course he wanted Kathryn cleared, she deserved to be, and he knew how much it meant to her.

But if she were cleared for command, it would take her away from Earth again, and away from him. The thought terrified him, more than he wanted to admit to himself.

“Captain Janeway,” began Admiral Hayes. “After reviewing Voyager’s logs, your own logs and considering the stress of your mission, we felt court martial proceedings were necessary to review some of your command decisions and give us time to process the vast amount of information we needed to review. Your removal from active duty was seen as a necessary step, to allow you time to undergo counselling, and also to allow a fuller investigation to take place. After a great deal of discussion, and taking into account the recommendations of your counselor and those working alongside you on the Voyager analysis project, we are pleased to reactivate your commission. Welcome back to the Fleet, Captain.”

As the bell rang, Kathryn was unable to hide the smile that spread across her face, and once dismissed, turned to her cheering former colleagues.

Chakotay stepped forward as she approached and embraced her in delight, lifting her slightly off the floor. She let out an exclamation of surprise, and chuckled as he lowered her back to the floor.

“Congratulations,” he said. “There was never any question,” he murmured against her ear as the others crowded in. As he stepped back, Tom and B’Elanna hugged her, and after a moment’s hesitation, so did Harry.

“I must agree with Commander Chakotay,” said Tuvok. “That you would be cleared was never in doubt.”

Chakotay smirked at Tuvok’s enhanced Vulcan hearing, as Kathryn beamed.

“Thank you, Tuvok,” she said. “Thank you all.” She looked around at them, and a feeling not unlike homesickness passed over her.

“Listen,” she said. “We should all meet up. I was sorry the last meal we had planned was cancelled. Since you’re all in town, why don’t we go for dinner later in the week? I need to catch up with all of you.”

“Sounds good,” said Tom. “I’m sure my mother could babysit for the night.”

“I’ll be there,” said Harry without hesitation.

“I will be in San Francisco until next week, and will be available,” said Tuvok.

“As long as I can secure the use of my emitter, I’ll endeavour to be there,” said the Doctor. “Starfleet find the emitter so fascinating, they refuse to let it out of their sight for more than a few hours at a time, and it has to be constantly monitored. The other day, I wished to visit a concert of pieces from seventeenth-century-”

“What about you, Seven?” said Kathryn, sensing this was about to become a monologue. “Can you make it?”

Seven looked around at the group. She hadn’t felt so comfortable around a group of people since Voyager had returned home.

“I shall transport in from Sweden,” she said.

“Good,” said Kathryn happily. “Later in the year we’ll have to have some kind of event for the whole crew. Any ideas, send them my way.”

“We’ll have a think,” said Tom; Kathryn could practically see the cogs turning in his head already.

As the others talked, Chakotay grabbed Kathryn’s elbow, and steered her to one side.

“Are you free for lunch?” he said.

“Yes,” said Kathryn. “Did you want to invite the others?”

“I’d rather not, if you don’t mind,” he said. “We’ll see them all at the dinner.”

“You’re coming?”

“Of course,” he said. “Shall we?”

They bid farewell to the others, and headed out into the sunshine.

They arrived at Chakotay’s apartment a short time later, and Kathryn spotted a bottle of chilled champagne and two glasses on the table as she walked in.

“Wasn’t that jumping the gun a little?” she said, indicating it, and Chakotay picked it up and began to open it.

“No,” he said as the bottle opened with a pop. “Like I said, there was never any doubt. Not in my mind, anyway.”

“I’ll admit, I was pretty confident,” she said, accepting a glass. “But you never can tell, sometimes.”

“Well, here’s to the reinstated Captain Janeway,” he said, and they clinked glasses.

“Cheers,” she said. “And thank you.”

“I’ve made us some lunch,” he said. “If you’re hungry.”

“Sure!” she said. “Aren’t you well-prepared.”

He’d ended up making the same dish he’d made for Seven a while ago, as he still had most of the ingredients in the stasis unit. He put it in the replicator to reheat as Kathryn took her seat, and moments later the soft beeping told him it was ready. He served two portions and brought them to the table.

“This smells gorgeous,” said Kathryn as he placed a plate in front of her. “I’ve missed your cooking.”

“I can’t say I’ve missed yours,” said Chakotay as he took his place opposite her. She levelled a glare at him, and he chuckled. They began to eat.

Chakotay watched her surreptitiously as she ate. He wondered - were the potatoes still too hard? Had he put enough red wine in, or too much? She might not be much of a cook, but he knew she appreciated good food.

“This is delicious,” she said, taking a sip of champagne. She noticed he wasn't eating. “Are you alright?”

“It’s okay?” he said, indicating the food. “You don’t think the potatoes are underdone?”

Kathryn glanced at her plate, nonplussed.

“I don’t think so,” she said. “Do you?”

“No,” he said. “I’m just not sure.”

“Well, not so you’d notice,” she said. “Why do you ask?”

“Seven mentioned it,” said Chakotay, taking a forkful. His hunger seemed to have returned full force.

“Ah, well,” said Kathryn. “Seven is a notorious perfectionist. I doubt a food critic would notice the things that she picks up on.”

Chakotay smiled, comforted.

“I couldn’t believe it when Seven cooked that meal for us on Voyager,” said Kathryn. “She’s brilliantly clever, stunningly beautiful, can sing and play the piano and then on top of all of that - she’s a gourmet cook as well!” she chuckled wryly. “It’s enough to give anyone an inferiority complex.” She smiled over at him. “You’re not a professional chef, and no one would reasonably hold you to the same standards. I think Seven finds it difficult sometimes because she sees how things could be made perfect and efficient - in a way that we don’t - and it frustrates her when it isn't so.”

Chakotay nodded thoughtfully, and the two returned to their meal.

Afterwards, he produced a dessert of rich cappuccino mousse. Kathryn ate appreciatively.

“Seven would say this dessert had no nutritional value,” he said, remembering her comments.

“Well, it doesn’t,” said Kathryn amusedly, licking her spoon. “But that’s what makes it so delicious,” she whispered.

“I’ll have to make sure I complete the recommended amount of cardiovascular exercise after this,” said Chakotay bitterly, swirling his spoon through the creamy treat, lost in memories.

“What are you talking about?” said Kathryn, frowning, and Chakotay suddenly found it difficult to meet her eyes. While he had done his best to put Seven’s comment out of his mind completely, on occasion he had caught his reflection in the mirror and had been disheartened. He had considered going back to his boxing training, but the perverse part of his nature made him feel that doing so would be admitting Seven was right.

“It’s nothing, really,” he said, and at her expression he continued. “It’s just something Seven said. As you said before, she’s a perfectionist, and I know she was only trying to help, but -”

“But what?” she said softly.

“She pointed out that I don’t complete enough exercise for the food I consumed not to have an effect on my - physique,” said Chakotay, as Kathryn bit back a laugh.

“Remember what I said about an inferiority complex?” she said, a crooked smile on her face. “You can’t let a comment like that from someone like her bother you. Someone who constantly strives for perfection. We all want to be the best we can be, but none of us are perfect, nor could we be. And you certainly aren’t overweight,” she said, scraping the last of her mousse out of the bowl. “Understood?”

Chakotay smiled gratefully at her. Maybe he would go back to boxing, not because he needed to but because he loved it.

They finished their desserts and polished off the rest of the champagne before retiring to the sofa.

"I love where you've put this," said Kathryn, running her hand over the fabric. "You can look out at the stars at night."

Chakotay smiled to himself as he sat down next to her.

“So,” he said. “Given any thought to what you’ll do next?”

“Not really,” said Kathryn.

“Think you’ll take another command?”

“I don’t know,” said Kathryn. “It depends on what’s available. To be honest, I’m not sure I’d be too keen on any long-term missions just yet.”

“Me either,” said Chakotay.

“I guess I’m not really sure what I want to do,” said Kathryn. “At least I have more options now.”

Chakotay watched her as she stared out of his window. He had been indecisive and unsure for too long. When Seven had first approached him on Voyager, he had been so lonely he had leaped head first into their relationship without considering the consequences. Their abrupt arrival in the Alpha Quadrant had changed everything, and free of the chain of command, he had been left wondering if he was making the right choice in the new life he found himself in. He had been hurt when Seven had ended everything, but he realised now it was his fear and pride that were causing those feelings.

He studied Kathryn’s profile in the dimmed lighting of his apartment. He almost couldn’t believe this opportunity had come his way - after everything that had happened, was there still a chance for them? He licked his lips nervously. He had mentioned Seven's suspicions of his feelings to Kathryn and she hadn't responded, but he didn't think she understood he still felt that way about her. They’d only just rekindled their friendship and he worried that things would be awkward forever if his feelings weren’t reciprocated.

Kathryn stared out at the stars. She could feel his eyes on her, and wondered what he was thinking. From what he had said, it appeared that Seven hadn’t told him of her knowledge of Kathryn’s feelings, for which Kathryn was deeply grateful. It didn't seem right, though, that Chakotay had told her about his feelings for her, no matter how long ago they had died, and he knew nothing of hers.

“You know, Seven told me she thought you had unresolved feelings for me as well,” Kathryn began, and she almost sensed Chakotay tense up. “I wondered if it was true.”

Chakotay sighed, and suddenly wished there was more champagne.

“I suppose it is,” he said. “We never really discussed it.”

“No, we didn’t,” she said. “I suppose it doesn’t really matter now, though.”

“Why not?” he said gently.

“Well, it was a long time ago,” she said, one hand rubbing her neck. “Perhaps it’s wiser to leave it to rest.”

“Who says it was ever put to rest?”

She looked at him.

“I may be many things, Chakotay,” she said. “But stupid isn’t one of them. I’m aware you might have had feelings for me, once upon a time. But you moved on, I could see that. I hoped you’d be happy.”

“I _tried_ to move on,” Chakotay corrected her. “I thought a new relationship would help me put my feelings for you aside once and for all. But these things don't work like that, as I found out.”

Kathryn was now sitting very straight on the sofa.

“What are you saying?” she said.

“I still have those feelings, Kathryn. I suppose I always will.” He smiled softly at her. “I’m glad I got the chance to tell you.”

Kathryn made a decision.

“Seven reminded me of our mind meld, when I entered Unimatrix Zero with her, do you remember?” Chakotay nodded, slightly confused.

“She told me that she’d been briefly able to sense my feelings, and emotions, but had ignored it as she was concentrating on the mission at hand. However, she could remember a few impressions later. One she mentioned was - my feelings for you.” She watched him gauging his reaction. He looked wide-eyed, expectant.

“She said she was afraid that if you had to choose between her and me, you wouldn’t have chosen her,” continued Kathryn. “That’s why she didn’t tell me about it. She thought it would force my hand, that I’d confess my feelings to you.”

“Would you have?”

“Not if we were still on Voyager,” said Kathryn. “I wouldn’t have been any kind of partner for you there. I wouldn't have stood in her way.”

“And now?”

“Now is very different,” said Kathryn. “Those things - Seven, Voyager - they aren’t in the picture any more.”

“And does that matter?”

“Of course it does,” she said. She swallowed.

“You’ve been honest about your feelings,” she said. “It’s only fair I do the same.” She shifted closer to him on the sofa.

“I have feelings for you too,” she admitted. “I love you.”

Chakotay couldn’t have been more shocked if she’d slapped him. “What?” he said breathlessly.

Kathryn smiled. “I love you,” she said again, and he bowed his head. Her smile faltered.

“What is it?” she said, placing a hand on his arm. He placed his over it, roughly, as though afraid she would pull it away again.

“It’s - no, it’s just, I just - I can’t believe it,” he said, a smile slowly spreading across his face.

“How about you?” said Kathryn, nudging him with her knee.

“Oh,” he said, extracting his arm from under her hand to wrap it around her shoulders. “Yes, I love you.” He leaned forward slightly, resting his forehead against her temple. They sat like that for a long moment, listening to the other’s breathing, revelling in the peace and comfort that had settled over them since finally admitting their feelings.

Eventually, Kathryn twisted in his embrace so she was facing him.

“Remember I said I wasn’t sure about a command?” she said, her breath warm against his mouth.

“Mmm.”

“Well, I said it depends - and it does. It depends on you.” She grinned. “I didn’t know this would happen, but - I guess I hoped. And now I know - I certainly won’t be going anywhere for a while. Not without you, anyway.”

He tugged her closer. “I’d like to see you try. I’d stow away on your ship.”

“Oh?”

“Yep. It took us long enough to get to this point, I’m not letting you go now. I don't know what I'm going to do for work either, but I'll find something. And if I don't, I'll have my books to work on. It's strange, but – it doesn't feel as hopeless any more.”

She wriggled closer, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Good,” she said, breathing in his scent. She felt his face press into her hair.

Moments later, he pulled back, and his hands came up to rest on her cheeks, cradling her face.

“Is this really happening?” he said in wonder. “Are you really mine?”

She smiled, turning her cheek into his palm.

“It is,” she said. “And I am.”

He sucked in a breath.

“We still have a lot to talk about,” he said. “Decisions to make. Discussions to have.”

“Indeed we do,” she said. “But - tomorrow, huh?”

Before he could reply she leaned forward and kissed him, weaving her fingers into his dark hair. He immediately returned her kiss, tugging on her waist to draw her closer and parting her lips with his own, tasting her for the first time. She unfurled in his arms, surrounded by his warmth, like the Bajoran tea flowers they'd shared only a few days ago.

Once their kiss ended they sat, fingers entwined, grinning like fools. Chakotay found he couldn’t stop touching her for a moment.

“You know,” he said. “We’ve been back for months, and yet - I haven’t really felt like I was home until now.”

“That’s exactly it,” said Kathryn happily, stroking his cheek, rasping her nails lightly over his evening stubble. “Welcome home.”

He chuckled. “Thank you.”

Neither spoke for several moments, Kathryn’s fingers lightly drawing a pattern on the back of Chakotay’s hand. He was surprised and overjoyed at this loving side of her.

“Stay tonight?” she said eventually, and he raised an eyebrow.

“Are you sure?” he said. “It’s not too soon?”

“I’m sure,” she said, and he leaned in to kiss her again. Her mouth was soft and warm under his, her hands moving around to his back to pull him closer, and for a second he felt almost overwhelmed with love and want. He pulled away, reluctantly, and stood.

“Come on, then,” he said with a wolfish grin, extending his hand.

Her smile radiant, Kathryn stood and placed her hand in his.


End file.
